i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
