How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
you had me at cake vodka
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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