so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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