Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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