I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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