I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize