I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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