I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
