don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
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