am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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