we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
