I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
