oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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