if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
