I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
