Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
