Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
