my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
