what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
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