So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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