About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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