the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Randomize
