Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
The uberlube is also flammable
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
