i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
This house was built for laser tag.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize