I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
