Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
