Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
