So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
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While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
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He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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