Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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