halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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