I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
