How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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