we're chasing vodka with high fives
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
