Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
