She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize