On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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