OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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