I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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