matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
