It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
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remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
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I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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