toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
That's intense
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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