The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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