Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
