I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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