Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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