In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
