She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
