Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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