He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
