i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
honey bunches of taint.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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