Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
