at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
