I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I checked into jail on foursquare
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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