Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
